My metaphors are all concerned with university because I was writing this post during the last month of the term and things were hectic. November puts the 'tic' in hectic...
Anyway, there was too much stimulus in my life and it's like everyone and everything decided to take a dump on me the minute I decided I was going to have myself a nice year. In terms of personal life: do not even get me started. In terms of uni life: I had so many papers I procrastinated on and the deadlines slapped me in the face. Of course I was drafting a blog post when I was supposed to be working on them and I hadn't written once since September. Which is what one does when one finds some spare time to waste and one is not procrastinating by spending their time on YouTube.
I am once again wandering aimlessly through life. I find that I don't want to be a teacher anymore. I don't think teaching teenagers the joys of the English language will be that fun when they're probably going to be like middle sis and her friends whose lives are focused on snapchat, instagram, vine, or whatever new app it is-- I know, I sound old. A few more years and I'll have lived a quarter of a century and I haven't DONE anything with my life. I hate everything and everyone and whenever I seem to get myself out of a rut I manage to fall in another one. I'm also (for the first time) looking for a job. Yes, to all you lovely folks who know me to be pampered and having never worked a day... I mean, I've tutored and I worked at that ghastly kids' day camp last year but that was the only actual job I had where I had to be there at certain hours. I don't want to do anything too adventurous but maybe some socializing with human beings is what I need. I'm tired of isolating myself but I can't seem to stop... I found some nice friends then I made it all awkward by becoming so dependent and needy. It's like I can't believe I've got a friend and I stop being able to make choices for myself and become this horrible whiny and incapable person... I've also become way too self-indulgent. If I write a sentence I give myself a congratulatory handshake and then watch a million videos and binge on so much food that I can't go back to finish my work because
A) I feel sick
B) I've wasted too much time and I've become sleepy
Those of you who actually read my posts may realize that this is my yearly depression cycle. So to all you darling people who are feeling alone at this time of the year, who are feeling like life is just not what it should be: it's okay. Knowing that I'm not the only one and that I'm not alone in these feelings is what keeps me going. Too often these days the mantra is just keep going so maybe if enough of us chant it we'll form a positive cult out of this negativity :/
And now for another late night of sad stories and deleted paragraphs.
p.s.: my new year's resolutions are:
1) Write more
2) Eat less
3) Sleep on time
4) Stop hating myself and life in general
How cheerful. Let's hope I can at least be strong and do one of those 4 things.
--F
