Liberate, AKA The Post Where I Randomly Talk About Snow Tigers

Written Dec. 17, 2013 

Today I did something I hadn't been able to do when I wrote my lemonade post: let go. 

When I wrote that post I was in a state of emotional angst, hurt pouring out of me in tidal waves that twisted themselves into a nasty whirlpool of feelings. Today I realized I'd been trying to escape the wrong way. For almost most a year I've been swimming against the currents of the whirlpool. To break free I needed to swim with the current in order to find a little channel to make my way out. 

I can't tell you what the initial problem was because I'm very embarrassed when it comes to my stupidity. What I can say is this: if you've ever closed a door on something or someone in your life and have kept the key to that door, it's time to lose that key. That key is holding you back. But it's just a key!!! you wail at me as I try to help you yank it off the chain. 

This is not just a key. This is an unhealthy little poison seeping into your skin as you twist the key in your hands and watch the light glint off of it (naturally, this precious normal key that is of no worth to you whatsoever you're probably holding on to that key for dear life as you mull over in your mind the possible reactions to cracking open the locked door to see that person/thing)...

You've probably even chanced a peek or two into that locked room. Or maybe you've gotten so close to that door and held on to that key so it can stop swinging from your neck in order for you to hear what's behind that door. Crying at the door won't make your problem disappear. Grab a hanky (more

like a huge box box of them, push that key into the lock and yank the door off it's hinges. Take a good long look at what you've been afraid of. Of course, this is a room in your head so there's no chance of actual harm. Step closer. Now even closer. Now jump into the room. No, not like that. With both feet. 

One of two things will then happen. 
A) You'll be overpowered by your fears.

B) You will realize that this is not as bad as you thought it was. The person/thing you've been skirting around is not such a big deal. They cannot control your life. 

And suddenly, your fears have shrunk to the size and appearance of a baby snow tiger: harmless at this stage. You don't need to envision the future snarling snow tiger leaping at your throat. That's already happened and here you are, alive and on your way to getting better. But what's to happen to this snow tiger?

To release into the wild, where it belongs, you'll need to close that door forever. Once there is no key tying you to that door or a sturdy wall up between you and the room, a portal will open up and transport the tiger into the wild where, in the years to come, you might catch a glimpse of on some random environmental channel. And the chance of it being your same snow tiger are quite small. 

So you and that snow tiger will part. The room will get sucked into the portal. And the key is hopefully in some deep sewer, never to be found. Maybe even incinerated and melted into something new. 

My dear readers, I hope you understood what it was I've been trying to tell you. Throw yourself full-tilt at this fear. Take a long hard look at whatever/whoever was bothering you and once you realize there's nothing to be done or that you're better off(which you are), then you'll know you are ready to move one.

Your faithful writer reached closure because she stopped fighting her feelings. Yes, I felt hurt. Yes, I felt sad and miserable and a plethora of other synonyms for GreatlyAngeredByMyStupidity. But only by letting myself go and acknowledging what was hurting me was I able to stop. 

The memory of the hurt hasn't faded. It probably never will and that's normal. My bad coping skills will probably continue after this episode of the show that is my life (viewer ratings: quite high because the things that happen to me are bizarre) but at least I've let go of something that's been bothering me. 

As I sit twitching in the pre-dawn cold, I feel an ache throb in my shoulders as I struggle to straighten a back that's been hunched by months of worry. The pain in the stretch is the most beautiful feeling I've felt in a long time. 

Ramblings of a Wanderer

That's what I am. A wanderer. I wander through life. I'm doing it right now. It's been a while since I last blogged-- I don't like my last blog posts's format but that's inconsequential because so few people read it. I'm hoping there are still people out there who want to read what I write. 

My blogging hiatus was a result of a sense of anxiety about what was to come. I feel that I'm responsible for the words people are taking the time to read so my thoughts spiral into something along the lines of:  "OMG WHAT SHOULD I WRITE ABOUT NOW, I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS I'LL DO ALL OF THEM AND I'M GOING TO SET A SCHEDULE AND WILL THEY LIKE THEM? BUT I HAVE TO WRITE WITH MY VOICE AND HOW CAN THEY LIKE MY VOICE WHEN THERE'S BETTER MAINSTREAM STUFF OUT THERE? LOL BUT WHO READS MAINSTREAM-- WE ALL DO THEN WE PRETEND WE'RE ABOVE IT AND SECRETLY LIKE IT AND..."

It's like this one creative writing prof once told me: when I think about writing, I suck. I have to just let it happen. (On a side note: I felt outraged when I first heard that and proceeded to take my usual passive-aggressive stance when I can't deal with someone's opinion.) 

I think that I've been doing the same thing with life. I've been trying to perfect everything and make plans in case of any and all shortcomings-- so much so that the time spent anticipating and planning for the first chip in what I'd like to be a stone wall of perfection that I end up just imagining that wall... the wall never gets built. 

Take the most recent example: I had an English term paper due that was worth 30% of my final mark. It was supposed to be about Jane Eyre, an analysis of some aspect or another of the novel. I kept putting it off until the day before it was due. I woke up early that day and decided yes. You will now use all of today for writing the best darned term paper the world has seen AND get to go to bed, AT THE LATEST, by 12 AM. No sooner did I sit down and take my novel out than did I realize that I needed a clean work area to write in.

I proceeded to clean my room (which is not where I chose to write my paper), the living room (which is near where I wanted to write), the guest dining table (located outside the kitchen perpendicular to the living room-- where my laptop was waiting for me), the kitchen (there were a lot of dirty dishes lying around), and the toy/office/laundry room (this is a moderately spacious room that contains a washer and dryer at the far end, my desk in the middle, and my sister's toys stored neatly near the doorway-- far from where I wanted to work).

 I'd wasted three hours and it was lunchtime so I thought I deserved something to eat. I made a huge lunch and cleaned everything up and that took an hour. Not one to be sidetracked, I finally slid into the seat before my computer mentally ready to write this essay. I stretched and caught a whiff of myself and decided I needed to shower so that I could match my surroundings. 
After showering, styling my hair (which I rarely do when I'm at home, opting for a much-coveted look of a pajama-ed bedhead), ridding my face of a budding mustache (Yes, I'm a female. I'm Arab, we have facial hair. Get over it.), and adding the tiniest hint of eyeliner, I was READY to finish start this essay! I sat down and proceeded to download my show for later because I knew I'd be finishing this essay early. 

It was just a matter of convincing myself that I should probably watch the episode first so I wouldn't be anticipating it and unable to concentrate writing my essay. Only I had to rewatch the episode from before because I'd delayed this recent episode and forgotten what happened. 2 hours later I was READY to write that essay! 

By now it was 3 PM, around the time when my siblings would be getting home from school. Three hours later I'd spent quality sister time yelling at my younger siblings and getting into fights. We'd also had dinner. I was READY to write this essay. 

But FIRST, I needed to check my favorite Arabic reality TV show and watch a jillion YouTube videos and help my little sister with her homework and pretend to write my essay while actually chatting with my friend who I hadn't been in touch with for a while and... Cut to 12 AM when I realized I should probably start my paper. My outline was so good that I decided I deserved a break. Fast forward to 2 AM. 

This is what my outline probably looked like.
I think I'd only done the capital 'T'.

From 2 AM to 4 AM I highlighted all the mentions of the moon in the novel and searched up some sources. From 4 AM to 7 AM I hashed out a few paragraphs and a great outline. From 7 AM to 9 AM I finished writing the essay. Time needed to complete the essay: ~ 5-7 hours. Time used: 26 hours.

As a wanderer, I feel it is my obligation to tell you that together we wandered from my original topic (woes of a wanderer who is coming back to tell you amazing things on her blog) to a recount of my adventures in writing an essay. You're welcome. 

And for those of you who were wondering: I got an A on that paper.