Ramblings of a Wanderer

That's what I am. A wanderer. I wander through life. I'm doing it right now. It's been a while since I last blogged-- I don't like my last blog posts's format but that's inconsequential because so few people read it. I'm hoping there are still people out there who want to read what I write. 

My blogging hiatus was a result of a sense of anxiety about what was to come. I feel that I'm responsible for the words people are taking the time to read so my thoughts spiral into something along the lines of:  "OMG WHAT SHOULD I WRITE ABOUT NOW, I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS I'LL DO ALL OF THEM AND I'M GOING TO SET A SCHEDULE AND WILL THEY LIKE THEM? BUT I HAVE TO WRITE WITH MY VOICE AND HOW CAN THEY LIKE MY VOICE WHEN THERE'S BETTER MAINSTREAM STUFF OUT THERE? LOL BUT WHO READS MAINSTREAM-- WE ALL DO THEN WE PRETEND WE'RE ABOVE IT AND SECRETLY LIKE IT AND..."

It's like this one creative writing prof once told me: when I think about writing, I suck. I have to just let it happen. (On a side note: I felt outraged when I first heard that and proceeded to take my usual passive-aggressive stance when I can't deal with someone's opinion.) 

I think that I've been doing the same thing with life. I've been trying to perfect everything and make plans in case of any and all shortcomings-- so much so that the time spent anticipating and planning for the first chip in what I'd like to be a stone wall of perfection that I end up just imagining that wall... the wall never gets built. 

Take the most recent example: I had an English term paper due that was worth 30% of my final mark. It was supposed to be about Jane Eyre, an analysis of some aspect or another of the novel. I kept putting it off until the day before it was due. I woke up early that day and decided yes. You will now use all of today for writing the best darned term paper the world has seen AND get to go to bed, AT THE LATEST, by 12 AM. No sooner did I sit down and take my novel out than did I realize that I needed a clean work area to write in.

I proceeded to clean my room (which is not where I chose to write my paper), the living room (which is near where I wanted to write), the guest dining table (located outside the kitchen perpendicular to the living room-- where my laptop was waiting for me), the kitchen (there were a lot of dirty dishes lying around), and the toy/office/laundry room (this is a moderately spacious room that contains a washer and dryer at the far end, my desk in the middle, and my sister's toys stored neatly near the doorway-- far from where I wanted to work).

 I'd wasted three hours and it was lunchtime so I thought I deserved something to eat. I made a huge lunch and cleaned everything up and that took an hour. Not one to be sidetracked, I finally slid into the seat before my computer mentally ready to write this essay. I stretched and caught a whiff of myself and decided I needed to shower so that I could match my surroundings. 
After showering, styling my hair (which I rarely do when I'm at home, opting for a much-coveted look of a pajama-ed bedhead), ridding my face of a budding mustache (Yes, I'm a female. I'm Arab, we have facial hair. Get over it.), and adding the tiniest hint of eyeliner, I was READY to finish start this essay! I sat down and proceeded to download my show for later because I knew I'd be finishing this essay early. 

It was just a matter of convincing myself that I should probably watch the episode first so I wouldn't be anticipating it and unable to concentrate writing my essay. Only I had to rewatch the episode from before because I'd delayed this recent episode and forgotten what happened. 2 hours later I was READY to write that essay! 

By now it was 3 PM, around the time when my siblings would be getting home from school. Three hours later I'd spent quality sister time yelling at my younger siblings and getting into fights. We'd also had dinner. I was READY to write this essay. 

But FIRST, I needed to check my favorite Arabic reality TV show and watch a jillion YouTube videos and help my little sister with her homework and pretend to write my essay while actually chatting with my friend who I hadn't been in touch with for a while and... Cut to 12 AM when I realized I should probably start my paper. My outline was so good that I decided I deserved a break. Fast forward to 2 AM. 

This is what my outline probably looked like.
I think I'd only done the capital 'T'.

From 2 AM to 4 AM I highlighted all the mentions of the moon in the novel and searched up some sources. From 4 AM to 7 AM I hashed out a few paragraphs and a great outline. From 7 AM to 9 AM I finished writing the essay. Time needed to complete the essay: ~ 5-7 hours. Time used: 26 hours.

As a wanderer, I feel it is my obligation to tell you that together we wandered from my original topic (woes of a wanderer who is coming back to tell you amazing things on her blog) to a recount of my adventures in writing an essay. You're welcome. 

And for those of you who were wondering: I got an A on that paper.