Flawed

One time I
yelled at an old lady
charmed a teacher into giving me an A
cheated on a test
keyed a random car door
stuck my gum under a desk
wrote a love note and sent it under someone else's name
destroyed my classmates' better art projects
betrayed a best friend
prayed for my own death
threw a shoe at a girl
stole a pencil
graffiti'd a bathroom stall
made a teacher cry
threw a cup on the ground and when it shattered I called it an accident
slapped a sibling
spit on my friend's face
purposely flooded a school bathroom
ripped a library book
twisted my classmate's arm
punched a boy
bullied a girl for wearing brown shoes
stalked a crush online
pretended to cry
tripped a classmate going up to get an award
buried a pear I didn't want to eat
stopped myself from jumping out of a window
convinced a girl to buy a sweater she looked bad in
ripped a shirt I didn't want to wear
broke a trophy I'd received
tore a pillow to shreds
got on my knees and begged a teacher not to send an interim report card
was in 6th grade and told a second grader I would beat them up
laughed at my dreams with someone I thought I loved
broke my little sister's doll and buried it in the backyard
felt scandalized when I was called vengeful, vindictive, and strong-tempered

Hello, Midterms

Midterms are finally looming in the future-that-is-not. Students at this point in their second term of uni have either

• Been on top of things and have no reason to worry
• Lulled themselves into a false sense of security saying that THIS WEEKEND will be their catch-up weekend and they are in a state of denial that they haven't achieved anything yet.

Guess which group I’m part of? What makes things worse is that I have no desire to work my butt off for Russian history (my worst subject this term. See this post) because the prof said he always makes sure the class average for the midterm is a fail or just above… I thought I would be up to the challenge but I don’t think this is a challenge from such a great prof who covers a lot. It’s because he’s so vague. His starting phrase today was: "I know Napoleon has nothing to do with Russia but he does his impact is so much so to Russia."

      

It’s bad enough I can’t understand what he’s saying because he garbles all his words. I don’t mind accents but he murmurs a lot of the time as if he’s sharing something with himself and then smiles and looks at us imploringly… we then realize that he’s asked a question and everyone ends up just staring back and he just giggles and looks at us.

This is all just involving the prof. You don’t want to know about the ripe smells coming from the dude who I got stuck by. I have a very sensitive sense of smell. When my mom chops onions in the kitchen I have to close the door to my room and bury myself under my blanket so I won’t tear up…

Old English literature is not a bad class. It’s just overcrowded and full of know-it-alls who jump to answer the profs questions and bring in everything they want to connect to the readings. I come to class to learn, not to hear one guy take over the class and ramble about how this connects to the time he took a class about something not involved with the topic at hand. It’s also a morning class. Now 9:30 am doesn't seem like such an early class but factor in waking up at 6 AM to get ready and have time for the commute, it becomes a hassle. And I don’t drink coffee because I hate hot drinks and because  I get sleepier when  I drink it.

'18th Century Studies in English Literature' and 'Europe in the Later Middle Ages (800-1350)' are my two favourite courses. Both the profs are always on top of things, and allow for student contribution but within the confines of their lectures which are all-encompassing and perfect. Those are the two classes where I’m sure I’ll do fine but again, I haven't’ been up with the readings for history and English I haven’t really outlined possible stances on main ideas discussed in class which usually gives me a good background for tests.

I’m so behind on everything. I hate public transit. And I’m pretty sure a lot of other people feel that way because I received a campus-wide email today warning about suicide this time of year and telling students to ask for help. I hope it never comes to the point where any of you reading my ramblings(few as you may be) want to commit suicide but please reach out to someone and ask for help. Nothing is worth taking your life away. Sod school and all of academia if it means you’re going to be depressed enough to take your life.

Good luck to all my struggling contemporaries. May your pens stay sharp and the ink flowing like thoughts on a good day. 

A Tribute to Secrets

Secrets are my addiction.
I pore over them, I coo when I discover them, I marvel at the amount of them.
Secrets are like that scab I keep reopening in hopes that it will open up again and reform so I can have that one relishing moment where I start to peel it off.
Secrets are like the first bite of a mango, the taste bursting in your mouth and your taste buds exploding with flavor.

But secrets are something so much more than that.

Secrets are the gleeful cackle you let out upon discovery.
Secrets are a tangible feeling tingling over your back as you quiver in excitement.
Secrets are the thud of your heartbeat as you hide a present from an admirer.
Secrets are the lightheaded feeling when you've seen a piece of paper that is perfectly scandalous.
Secrets are the intake of breath at a fresh piece of gossip.
Secrets are the widening of the eyes when you see someone you know steal a kiss.
Secrets are the flush in your cheeks when you're caught staring.
Secrets are the quick head-turn as you scan your surroundings.
Secrets are that feeling of new clothes on your body, the flowing fabrics, the way they shift over your skin.
Secrets are a chocolatey fingerprints on the well-worn pages of a romance novel.
Secrets are the roll of film hidden in your sock drawer.
Secrets are the ointment you rub over a broken heart.
Secrets are the ticking of the clock, as you stare at your phone.

Secrets are the underrated pleasures of life.

To My Russian History Instructor

My prof has made the stupid mistake of showing me he doesn't know how to teach history. I've been taught so far by 2 great history professors who know their info (which this prof does) and know how to get it across without assuming you already know everything about the time period (which this prof does not) and without making encompassing generalizations (which this prof does). He makes allusions and references to events we know nothing about and have not read anything about and when we ask him he declares his surprise at the weakness of this topic in our textbook.

SO GIVE US SOMETHING TO READ WHICH WILL HELP US KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON OR TEACH IT TO US IN CLASS.

Let's not concentrate on how all his talks are way over my head not because they're so mind-blowing but because he jumps around and can't decide what to talk about. He also irked me when talking about religions of the medieval period. He said that Islam was more tolerant of Christianity and Judaism than it is now and Christianity persecuted against other religions and then the enlightenment era came and switched everything up making Christianity more tolerant and Islam less so…

This is not an argument from me on development of Christian vs. Islamic identity and ideology. Both had their very different development arcs and they are in no way parallels or mirror images of each other. This is also not me saying one is more accepting than the other RIGHT NOW. This IS me saying that acceptance was ingrained in Islam from the get go and the flawed ways of interpreting it are not characteristic of the religion but of the people who interpreted it however they liked.

If Muslim leaders chose to interpret verses incorrectly then that is the fault of the people or the leaders. This is not the fault of the religion which in its ideology from the start is not supposed to discriminate against ANY religion. It’s not just people of the book like you (Russian prof) said. Mistakes HAVE been made but they are made by people who take liberties with the religion and label their actions as “Islamic”. It’s like how specific countries are the poster-nations for Islam and people look to them as an embodiment of the whole religion. You want the religion; get it from the Qur’an and the habits of the Prophet. Islam is so much higher than this lowly butt of all jokes you make it to be.

I told him as much in an email and asked him very kindly to clarify that it is the specific leaders whose actions changed towards people of differing faiths and not a change in ideology which sparked any antagonism towards people of other religions.

I am a Muslim girl who is very willing to have conversations about other religions. I love this quote from the IB mission statement:

"The International Baccalaureate aims to develop inquiring, knowledgeable and caring young people who help to create a better and more peaceful world through intercultural understanding and respect.

To this end the organization works with schools, governments and international organizations to develop challenging programmes of international education and rigorous assessment.

These programmes encourage students across the world to become active, compassionate and lifelong learners who understand that other people, with their differences, can also be right."

It makes everything so clear. It says “I recognize you have a differing point of view. I don’t have to take it as my own point of view but I realize you have a differing stance and I try to educate myself to understand your acceptance of this stance. My truth does not have to be your truth but we both must respect each other because these are our own visions of what is right”.

Thank you for making Russian history boring and irrelevant.

Thank you for wrecking something I love.

Thank you for your incompetence.