I hate her guts. She is the bane of my existence. Why the heck do I have to marry her?!?! Just because we starred in the same movies, doesn't necessarily mean I love her. Even her name reeks unawesomeness. Barbie. She even has the dorky flower dotting her i's. What the heck, man! I hate her and I'm doomed to be with her forever just because my publicity agents think it's good to have a classic "Barbie and Ken" romance. To hell with romance! I've always loved the Bratz dolls. IS THAT A CRIME!?!?!?!
Let's say I wanted to take a chance and like Barbie-- I can't! Her stupid sister tags along with us wherever we freaking go. Kelly this, Kelly that, and Kelly wants to kill me because I'm taking her sister away-- IT'S NOT LIKE I WANT TO!!! She keeps staring at me with those huge blue eyes but even though she's smiling, I know she's hiding behind a fake mask...
Why am I telling you this? Because my life is about to end. No girls will ever come near me again (let alone the Bratz girls) because my agents have found a way to wreck my life: marriage.
Weird, yes, but a ploy to take people's attention away from the newer dolls (curse you, Moxie girls!) and to bring some extravagance back to the stupid Barbie franchise. I. Hate. This. I've got to stop it somehow. The ceremony is taking place in a few hours in the cloning room. There they'll have me and Barbie stand still for hours while they zap a squidjillion newer versions of us.
I've got it!!! I'll go hide in the Polly Pocket section of the factory! No one will ever find me there because poor Polly has been long forgotten.
"Ken?" Shoot! It's Barbie! "Should we practice some poses before the actual sitting?" I hate how she calls the cloning process a sitting. Like we're getting some stupid portraits done or something. I stare at her. She's so perfect that everyone hates her now. She's the popular girl who got ignored after giving dolls a place in toy legend. I don't have time to feel sentimental right now; Miss Goody Two-Shoes is going to get what's coming to her. I'm going to tell her EXACTLY how I feel.
"Barbie, I need to tell you something--"
"OH KEN!" she cuts me off. She's squealing and running towards me... What the what? She's always complaining about something. Is that an actual smile or have they re-stretched her plastic-vinyl face?
"You've tucked your tuxedo into your pants, KEN! Fix it or else we'll never make enough money to own the world." Same old Barbie. Off her rocker and proud of it.
I open my mouth to start telling her what I'd wanted to say when the priest comes in and... wait a second, the priest?!?! I thought this was just for sale purposes.
"Leo," I growl, turning to find my agent who's strolling up to the cloning platform. "What the hell is going on?"
"Watch your language Ken!" he chuckles. "After all, you are a kids' toy. Let's keep this PG." He flips through a few pages on a clipboard he's carrying and frowns. "Scratch that, just keep it G." Leo, it seems has also gone crazy. This is just great.
In the shadows underneath the cloning platform, I see Surfer Ken Clone #19434879376 crying... This day keeps getting whackier. "One sec, Leo," I say, "I need to be alone for a few minutes."
"Sure thing, Ken! Just remember, we've got to make things official because it as to be in full order before we start cloning. The company doesn't want kids getting any ideas about illegitimate children and fake marriages. You understand."
I don't have time to process what I'd heard. I knew something fishy was going on but if my hunch was right, then I could easily solve this problem. I ran to Surfer Ken Clone #19434879376 and asked him why he was crying.
"I know I'm a clone and I'm not supposed to have feelings," he sobbed, "but I love Barbie and it hurts to watch you marry her." The guy was in hysterics and began to rock back and forth, crying and sobbing Barbie's name...
It was perfect. We swapped clothes and we both couldn't have been any happier. They think they may have tricked me into marrying the woman I most hate but I know better. I laugh in joy as the priest pronounces them husband and wife.
Still underneath the cloning platform, I hear someone giggling behind me. Scared that someone important knew what was going on, I whip around ready to knock them out. It's Yasmin! YASMIN FROM THE BRATZ GIRLS! I smile at her because I know that this is the beginning of something beautiful.
To be continued? For our sanity, let's hope not.
Weird, yes, but a ploy to take people's attention away from the newer dolls (curse you, Moxie girls!) and to bring some extravagance back to the stupid Barbie franchise. I. Hate. This. I've got to stop it somehow. The ceremony is taking place in a few hours in the cloning room. There they'll have me and Barbie stand still for hours while they zap a squidjillion newer versions of us.
I've got it!!! I'll go hide in the Polly Pocket section of the factory! No one will ever find me there because poor Polly has been long forgotten.
"Ken?" Shoot! It's Barbie! "Should we practice some poses before the actual sitting?" I hate how she calls the cloning process a sitting. Like we're getting some stupid portraits done or something. I stare at her. She's so perfect that everyone hates her now. She's the popular girl who got ignored after giving dolls a place in toy legend. I don't have time to feel sentimental right now; Miss Goody Two-Shoes is going to get what's coming to her. I'm going to tell her EXACTLY how I feel.
"Barbie, I need to tell you something--"
"OH KEN!" she cuts me off. She's squealing and running towards me... What the what? She's always complaining about something. Is that an actual smile or have they re-stretched her plastic-vinyl face?
"You've tucked your tuxedo into your pants, KEN! Fix it or else we'll never make enough money to own the world." Same old Barbie. Off her rocker and proud of it.
I open my mouth to start telling her what I'd wanted to say when the priest comes in and... wait a second, the priest?!?! I thought this was just for sale purposes.
"Leo," I growl, turning to find my agent who's strolling up to the cloning platform. "What the hell is going on?"
"Watch your language Ken!" he chuckles. "After all, you are a kids' toy. Let's keep this PG." He flips through a few pages on a clipboard he's carrying and frowns. "Scratch that, just keep it G." Leo, it seems has also gone crazy. This is just great.
In the shadows underneath the cloning platform, I see Surfer Ken Clone #19434879376 crying... This day keeps getting whackier. "One sec, Leo," I say, "I need to be alone for a few minutes."
"Sure thing, Ken! Just remember, we've got to make things official because it as to be in full order before we start cloning. The company doesn't want kids getting any ideas about illegitimate children and fake marriages. You understand."
I don't have time to process what I'd heard. I knew something fishy was going on but if my hunch was right, then I could easily solve this problem. I ran to Surfer Ken Clone #19434879376 and asked him why he was crying.
"I know I'm a clone and I'm not supposed to have feelings," he sobbed, "but I love Barbie and it hurts to watch you marry her." The guy was in hysterics and began to rock back and forth, crying and sobbing Barbie's name...
It was perfect. We swapped clothes and we both couldn't have been any happier. They think they may have tricked me into marrying the woman I most hate but I know better. I laugh in joy as the priest pronounces them husband and wife.
Still underneath the cloning platform, I hear someone giggling behind me. Scared that someone important knew what was going on, I whip around ready to knock them out. It's Yasmin! YASMIN FROM THE BRATZ GIRLS! I smile at her because I know that this is the beginning of something beautiful.
To be continued? For our sanity, let's hope not.
