There are times when something awesome is going on. You let it go on for a long time and you ignore all the little concerns niggling at the back of your head. You go against your better judgement and do things you've never done before. There are times when you shrug off the doubts, thinking it's better than what you had before. Then you stop. Then you realize.
It dawns on you that you haven't been true to the most important person in your life. Not your parents, who see you in a positive light. Not your friends, who have no idea how weird your life is getting. Not even the general public, who have been conned with a great facade. The most important person you've lied to, the one you haven't been honest with is yourself.
You are the most important person whose values and dreams you need to live up to. You are the one you need to impress by sticking to your standards. Not the public, who will never actually get a taste of your uncensored personality. Not your friends, who will see parts of you but who you keep out of that secluded spot of your soul. Not your family members, who need you to be there for them and might not always understand what you cherish.
There are times like this when I find myself taking what is seemingly perfect, taking what looks to be something flawless and reverting it back to its original form-- a form that is a hybrid of flaws and disappointment. It's in moments such as this one when I realize I've been looking for myself in all the wrong places, around all the wrong people.
Even though everything is seemingly perfect, we’ve got to stop and assess what the blazes is actually going on. There are things best left undefined but in order to have a functioning life, you need the labels on its different aspects: personal, social, spiritual, etc. It’s like having a messy workspace. Organized chaos is understandable, even moreso when it's tangible. Chaos of the mind, where you actually have to sift through piles and piles of ideas to find a coherent point to string on the line of a thought flying off somewhere—it doesn't work and it's downright inconvenient.
Some labels are deceiving. You need to sample the contents. So when you taste the lemonade you've made and you tell yourself that it’s sweet because the label says so, take a moment and sample the drink. Close your eyes, sniff, swirl in your mouth and decide for yourself if it’s lemonade and what type it is. Is it sour? Is it sweet? Is it bitter? Oftentimes it’s best to leave the product in its initial form-- take the lemonade and go back to lemons because they are what they’re called. There is no mistake in the labelling.
Today I jolted myself out of certain fantasies in order to grasp something realistic. I find that if life gives me lemons, I don’t always have to go and make lemonade. I can use the lemons for something else. Sometimes you’re not in the mood for lemons. Oranges, tangerines, mandarins, grapefruits… all such a wide array of citruses to choose from.
Better yet, when life gives you lemons make cranberry juice and leave people wondering how you did it.
